The tomb of Rumi - the poet of love - in Konya, Turkey
(photo: Jill Carroll)
Getting a legal will on file seemed a prudent thing to "get handled" before I go under the knife in this particular way. I've had major surgeries before, but none of them unveiled my beating heart and pumping lungs through a splayed chest, as this one will. This one feels different.
Mind you, I fully expect to live through the surgery. I'm optimistic and hopeful about things, and I've made post-surgery plans because I expect to here to fulfill them.
I've thought about death a lot, though, lately. My own death. What if I die on the operating table? Or after the surgery due to complications? What if the cancer returns, can't be treated and kills me?
I've tried to let myself really "be" with these thoughts. Not in a worried, anxious way but in a sober mindfulness that death is inevitable for all of us in this life. Given the reality of death - of my own personal death - and given that it could occur sooner than I expect, well . . . what about that?
I don't have a bucket list, and I haven't felt prompted to make one so far. I've done a lot of things in my 47 years. I've travelled to many countries, seen many things, had many amazing experiences, and met extraordinary people. I've done different kinds of professional work, and feel good about the work I've done. I've been blessed to have my needs, and most of my wants, met.
So, were I to die soon, I wouldn't feel like some kind of activity was left undone or unfulfilled. Mainly, I would simply miss the world. I love this world and this life, even with all its hazards and tragedies. I am grateful for our world, for my life, and that I get to live it here.
As I sit with thoughts of death, what emerges for me as most important has to do with love. Not love in the abstract, or love of or from some far off deity in the clouds - but love here in this life, with real people, in everyday situations. Have I loved? Have I been loved? Have I learned anything in the process?
More and more, I think that these are really the only questions that matter. I am fulfilled in my life to the extent that I love and am loved by people, and learn from that love. I have learned that, in and through that love, obstacles can be overcome and fears faced down. Richness, growth and abundance beyond measure are found within it, in the being and doing of it. And, thankfully, it overcomes limitations and mistakes. I have plenty of both of those.
I am so grateful to have the capacity for love - for giving and receiving it, and for learning from its treasures.
Because of love, I can be ready to die - even though I expect to live, at least for now.
